Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you?

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room; well I'm here with you...

"I've had a crush on you since we met. Couldn't you tell, the way I was ignoring you?"
"Well, there was something compelling about your apathy."
-- Anything Else

That line always brings a chuckle every time I think about it.

So as we begin to wind down first semester, I must say it's gone by pretty damned fast. Three months of classes is obviously much shorter than the 4 1/2 months in high school, but I think the weeks fly along a lot faster here too. Now all I have to do is buckle down and study for exams... but not before I go home this weekend and relax for a bit. Hopefully, I'll finally be able to pick up my yearbook.

"There are a lot of fish in the sea, but no one ever states the obvious after making that remark - that there are also a lot of fishermen"
-- G. Plunkett

There's a certain genius behind that quote. You ever heard of fish jumping into boats? Sometimes, fish choose who to get caught by.

I'm kinda glad that I'm in Kingston this year during the month of November. I think staying in Markham/the GTA and being bombarded on all sides with Christmas ads for the entirety of that month would have driven me crazy. I'm all for Christmas spirit and even to an extent, I don't think Christmas commercialism is necessarily the evil some people make it out to be... that being said, I do think Christmas in November is ridiculous. I'm all for anticipation and stuff, but going through an entire month of Christmas preparation even before December just gets kinda depressing after awhile. Here in Kingston, the most I've seen so far are a number of Christmas lights on residence windows

You ever get those random bouts of extreme loneliness? Like you're by yourself or even in a crowd and for some reason or another, you're suddenly aware of a stab of loneliness. It passes after awhile and you forget that it ever happened but you're very conscious of it while it lasts. On the boulevard of broken dreams... the original featuring James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, and Humphrey Bogart:

Oath of the Little Goldfish

I live in a fish bowl

A pathetic little fish bowl where I swim around and around looking through the glass at the world and trying to figure out how to get to the other side. But the glass makes the world look destorted and grotesque; this scares me out of my goldfish wits so I never go for the gusto and make that leap of faith over the rim of my little bowl.

Let me digress; I find that in life, we're always waiting. We wait for the bus in the morning, we wait for the kettle to click with hot water for our coffee, we wait for that report that zit face in the next cubicle was supposed to have done hours ago, we wait to find our true love, we wait in endless lines that seem to go on forever, but most of all we wait to die.

Think about it, you're lying there on your death bed, staring at the ceiling of perhaps a hospital room, or maybe your own room, or maybe you're an unfortunate soul and your looking up at the roof of some crack house where you just over dosed. Either way, when in that instant you realize you're going to die, from that second onward you're just waiting for it. And what if you're death is prolonged? What if you suffer for years in some old folks home while your body slowly falls apart and you recall to your uninterested grandchildren of the days when you used to be on the varsity basket-ball team. Its like waiting in the bank line... you're tapping your feet impatiently to get to the desk, and when you get there you find you dont want to be there anymore cause you're reminded that you owe money on some loan your significant other took out to buy the sports car for their mid-life crisis.

I think I've digressed enough for now.

Lets say that this little goldfish self decides to take the plunge...ironically the opposite of, and make that leap of faith over the rim of my bowel. Lets say that I make it over the rim to flop onto the desk which my bowl rests on. There I am, flopping around in a little puddle of water, gasping for the oxygen that my body can't take in because I was never meant to live outside the bowl. So I wait there, slowly suffocating in an atmosphere composed of the oxygen I so desperatly need but am incapable of recieving, and I wait some more. I wait till I finally die, or I wait for some higher being to find me and throw me back in the water of my fish bowel. Then that higher being will probably put a net of some sort over the mouth of my bowl to ensure that the radical little goldfish doesnt get it in its head to jump out of the water again.

The little bowl is safe and secure, but its a constant reminder of how much I dont live, its a constant reminder of the risks I would be taking by jumping out of my bowl. I could falter and suffocate because I'm not made for the world I want to belong in. So many "what if"'s to consider, so many ways I could fail.

Some things you have to believe.

In this I believe:

I'll step outside of my nutshell life, come out from under my rock, and stop using horrible cliche's. I may find that I dont belong, and therefore be like a fish out of water, but at least this little fishy will be able to say that she tried, even if she failed anyways.
-Sabrina Kokoservic

Ca? I hope you're all doing well cause Jon Wong's been sick this past while, hence my temporary leave of absence from the blogging world. The sore throat, clogged head, nose, and sinuses, etc. The whole package basically. My roommate came back one day announcing he was sick and I knew there was no way I was going to escape his wrath of sickness despite my best efforts.

Things to do? The only thing I really have left to do is that 2500 word essay due this Monday. I'm royally screwed.

"We all honor heroes for different reasons; sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their goodness. But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another we all dream of being rescued"
-- Desperate Housewives

Well, got my entire prof 110 essay done which works out well because now this weekend I only have to study for history and research stuff for my music 103 essay. I'm feeling a little... lonely? Ish? I don't know. The floor vibe has been kinda sketchy ever since last weekend and I haven't seen a lot of my friends in a long time... some longer than others. I haven't seen Kay since... Grant and Elaine's prom. It's been awhile hasn't it. Steph I've not seen since July. And everyone else, I've not seen since the end of summer. This is what happens when you go to a university EAST of Toronto when practically everyone else goes to a university WEST of Toronto. Think about it. Kay, Denise, Andrew Kott are in Toronto (or the GTA or nearby), Elaine's at Western, Grant & Omair are at McMaster, David's at Laurier. All three aforementioned universities are west of Toronto! And it's not even like Kingston's east of Toronto by a little bit. It's east of Toronto by 3 hours! Blah. This is probably why I've had no visitors. None whatsoever!!!1.

Things to do this weekend

1. Do music 103 research
2. Study for history 124 test
3. Get a haircut
4. Buy food
5. Restring badminton racquets
6. See some old faces! (I saw NONE when I went home for Thanksgiving!)
7. Dig out Christmas lights
8. Need to also get a basket and candy canes (I refuse to buy from King's pseudo-monopolized stores with their ridiculously jacked up prices)
9. Go to library

What can I say, I miss home (cooking). Have a good one folks.

What in all that's retarded?! I've just experienced one of those bizarre internet moments when visiting different webpages does not refresh them; I needed to physically hit the refresh button to see the new posts. I was wondering why nobody had posted anything on blogger for such a long time. Turns out I had missed posts by Grant, Karen, David, etc. Well, what can you do.

And at your funeral
I will sing the requiem
I'd offer you my hand
It would hurt too much to watch you die
-- At Your Funeral (Saves The Day)

Eh, better on my second music test. I've improved to a 76%. Aside from that, work is still endless. But Jon Wong's going home this weekend so he's going to have to work like there's no tomorrow for the next few days cause he knows he going to get very minimal work done over the weekend if he's home. That's right people, I need a haircut and I am thus heading back to Markham this weekend... for that exclusive reason. I kid; there are variety of things I'd like to do, but I picked this weekend out of any other weekend because my hair is getting long. Anyhow...

Things to do tomorrow:
1. Go to class
2. Work on and hopefully finish Music 191 assignment
3. Finish half of Prof 110 article
4. Read English
5. Read History
6. Do history summary (must get this done!)
7. Study for history test (next Tuesday... again a Tuesday; what's with things being due on Tuesday here?!)
8. Research Music 103 resources (also must start this!)

Things I need to remember to bring back from home:

1. Food and maybe drinks
2. Extension cord and power bar
3. Christmas lights
4. Badminton racquets (I am bringing home and getting restrung)

That's it so far. I'll add things as they occur to me. Good hunting everyone!

"There is fate, but it only takes you so far. Because once you're there, it's up to you to make it happen."
-- Can't Hardly Wait

Oi, so it's Sunday night and what an unproductive weekend it's been. It's like once all the major stuff that's due immediately were finished, it's hard to get started on the next huge thing without slacking off a bit. But this weekend, everyone was high strung cause someone on the floor was kicked off due to disclosed reasons. Even those who were normally happy and carefree were really stressed. Also, some people are sick on the floor and it's spreading. It's not exactly a happy time right now. I need to gear my mind towards something that's got nothing to do with my floor. Usually, have a practice session with the band loosens me up but this weekend, even that went badly. I don't know how people interpret a "jam session" but as far as I'm concerned, I like to feel like I've gotten somewhere during a jam session. Like, so far, we haven't even managed to get through a single song without screwing up. That's not because we can't do it, it's because people only go through the song once and then instantly say "so, what's the next song we should play" without even going back and trying to fix their mistakes. I get a sense of accomplishment playing with a band if we manage to make it through a song without screwing up. I know playing in itself is fun, but I never feel like we're progressed unless we've done something we couldn't have done at the beginning of the practice. To those who've been in the talent show or who have played with me before, do you all remember the times we would spend in the basement or in Mr. Friedman's practice rooms playing songs over and over and over again, smoothing out the mistakes and creases and slowly putting the song together? It was tough and tedious work no doubt and sometimes you played the song so many times it drove you insane. But after all that, when we put everything together and played through the song perfectly, did you not feel a major sense of accomplishment? To be able to close the door on a song and know you can perform it well for a crowd if you needed to, THAT'S the sense of progression I need to feel with a band. Just playing a song once or twice and then moving onto a new one just doesn't make me feel like I've gotten anywhere. It's better to have 5 songs you can play well than 15 that you can't even get through without knowing someone will forget how to play a chord or when to come in. If there was one element of high school I miss, it's the musicians. We had a good bunch of dedicated, hardcore musicians, even if they were only working towards a talent show.

Things to do tomorrow:

1. Go to class
2. Finish reading prof articles
3. Read English
4. Read History
5. Read Sociology
6. Read Music 103 notes (can't get them off the web today cause the site's down)
7. Research Music 103 essay information
8. Possibly go to open mic

Yes, the open mic is something I'm debating on. Jon Adamo (the only other person on the floor who's remotely dedicated to music) wants to perform Iris and Screaming Infedelities. Bah, I need to go home. Maybe next weekend. After all, I'm in desperate need of a haircut and I need to bring food and Christmas decorating supplies up. I should also venture to see some people while I'm in Markham. When I was home for Thanksgiving, rigid schedules and Grant being on death's doorstep prevented me from seeing anyone. But I hope you're all doing well. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Remember when…
Getting high meant swinging at a playground?
The worst thing you could get from a girl was cooties?
When dad was your hero?
When your worst enemies were your siblings?
And race issues were about who ran fastest?
When war was a card game?
And life was simple and care free?
Remember when all you wanted to do…
Was grow up?
-- Anonymous

So...

Well, what am I supposed to do? I'm writing non stop for my music 103 test and even then I run out of time. That's retarded! I better destroy my music 103 paper or else I'm royally screwed for this course. In other news, the due date on my sociology paper has been pushed back... one day so I can do stuff to it tonight and hand it in tomorrow apparently.

Things to do tomorrow:

1. Go to class
2. Decide whether or not to go the Asian semi formal
3. Sign up for Con-Ed Badminton
4. Buy ticket... for something... I don't know, it's on my to do list... what ticket?!
5. Start music 191 assignment
6. Hand in sociology paper
7. Read English
8. Read History
9. Do history summary
10. Start researching articles for prof
11. Start researching stuff for music 103 essay (man, does this course EVER give me a break?!)

I've decided I don't like my music 103 prof. I mean, who asks the class "did you find that interesting?" after everything he teaches?! Like who in their right minds who wants to have a shot at passing the course is going to say "no Dr. Smith, I found the topic and you deeply deeply boring and uninteresting." Do not mind me, I am expounding my annoyance at him and his course and his tests and in general everything related to him except his accent (at least he doesn't speak with one).

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
-- Jumper (Third Eye Blind)

So things got shifted around here and there and now I'm royally screwed. Actually, it will depend on how tomorrow's music test goes. English essay is finished and Sociology essay is nearly finished (I can finish it tomorrow after morning classes and before my three hour sociology class in the evening.)

So... things to do tomorrow:

1. Go to class
2. Do well on music 103 (ha! fat chance!)
3. Finish sociology essay
4. Read assigned sociology pages
5. Start musc 191 assignment

Yup, small list tomorrow. Why? Cause tomorrow is my godforsaken 6.5 hours of classes day. I don't actually get back until 8:30. I'm extremely close to falling behind. Finishing a sociology paper and doing the assigned readings tomorrow when they're actually due tomorrow is the closest I've come to falling behind so far. Hopefully, after tomorrow, things will ease up for a week or so before the going gets really tough. Just need to get over tomorrow's music test.

Don't you remember the last time we were speeding down this highway?
Anna slept in the back seat, dreaming in the autumn heat.
We turned up the country radio.
I said, "if you want me just say so."
I slicked back my hair in the wind.
And I told you I didn't want my picture taken
But you snapped it anyway now
I guess now, I guess you won't have trouble remembering me someday...
Someday
-- Take Our Cars Now (Saves The Day)

Well, it was Friday and Saturday and schedules/work ethics became retarded as they normally do on weekends, even though I was much more productive due to the lack of people at Queen's. Not only was 80% of my floor gone, but even the doorbell quad was almost empty, what with Tanya going to Montreal and Jessica $ Rachel going to commencement. So I finished my english essay, finished music 103 test notes and started my sociology paper.

So... things I absolutely MUST do tomorrow regardless of procrastination/frisbee/badminton/miscellaneous Sunday rituals:

1. Read music 191 readings
2. Study for music 103 test
3. Write at least 600 words on my sociology paper
4. Email my prof 110 prof
5. Do laundry (this here is key... I am running low on boxers)

Things I should do but have the option of not doing:

4. Do music 191 work
5. Read english
6. Read sociology
7. Read history
8. Do history summary
9. Look for prof articles

Sunday's schedule is always up in the air cause between Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, it's the day that I actually have regular stuff to do that I do every weekend. So my work completetion depends on when I wake up (it being quarter to three means I won't be up early) how long I decide to spend at badminton (it runs from 4 till 7 but I'm rarely there the entire time), what dinner plans are like (the cafeteria is never open Sunday nights... who came up with that retarded policy?!), and how long I spend on the phone (yes, I have regular Sunday night phone calls... it's not a weeknight and people are usually back by Sunday night if they were gone over the weekend). Why am I up at this absurd hour? Two reasons: I hadn't hung out with Jessica (one on the floor) for a good while and we both happened to decide to stop working at roughly the same time and thus decided to talk for awhile. 2, Matt Wilson's 3 friends came up for the weekend and being really great people I naturally decide to stay up to talk. I mean, how often do you get guests? MY friends have not condescended to visit me (damn you all!!!!!!!!!!!! And none of this crap about Queen's been 3 hours from Toronto; Matt's friends are from Waterloo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Anyhow, I digress. So I'm up at this hour... but I shall not be for long as I am going to bed... as soon as I finish my rant... which is now. Take care of yourselves and each other.

If you're looking for something life-like
Hit a sardine nightclub
If every surface you touch is cold
Never go home
He says, "I can't feel a thing, my dreams are so tight
Why wouldn't I stand in line tonight?"
-- Hustle Rose (Metric)

Metric's got a number of good songs but that's been the best I've heard so far. As for things accomplished today, it's sad to say but I didn't start my sociology paper, having developed a thesis yesterday... but in defense, that was because I got overzealous with my English paper and did more than I had intended to.

So...

Things to do tomorrow:
1. Go to class
2. Do music 191 reading (will be assigned tomorrow)
3. Continue to study for music 103 test (just 4 more listening examples to go)
4. Finish english paper (or the first draft at any rate)
5. Start sociology paper (still due next tuesday... I need to start soon)
6. Look for prof articles (I'm debating on whether or not I'll even get to do this until after next Tuesday)
7. Look for that goddamned sociology book... I have to have at least ONE as a reference
8. I should probably pick a music 103 essay topic but that's not due until November 22nd (still, it wouldn't hurt)

I have no prof class on Monday... I need to remind myself somehow lest I walk all the way to West Campus for nothing. It should be an interesting weekend since practically EVERYONE'S going home for commencement. Seriously, this concept of graduation in November had never before reached my ears until I came to Queen's. What's up with that?! Even Jessica, who is in second year (and thus has no commencement) is not going to be here, as this is her weekend in Petawawa (sp?!). So I'll be here... alone... or practically alone. My roommate's gone to visit his girlfriend in Toronto.

So...

So... went to class, got my readings done, finished my musc 191 assignment, wrote a thesis for both English and Sociology, and did about a quarter of my studying for music (three case studies of 10 plus some general information). Also replied to emails but that is on high priority because there's nothing I can do that'll allow me to take a break from my work without pulling me away from my desk and since pulling myself away from my desk tends to lead me to lengthen my break time unnecessarily, emails work great. Keep 'em coming people! (This is to Grant, Rosanne, my mother, and any 4th random person I do actually exchange emails with on a regular basis although my mother doesn't read this and the 4th random person probably doesn't either.) I classify the 4th person as someone I exchange emails with on a regular basis even though he or she is a random person because I'm using him/her as a collective term for the group of people known as "everyone else" And yes, I do normally get on average 1 email a day from a random person that I will actually read and not consider junk.

Things to do tomorrow:

1. Go to class
2. Do english readings
3. Study for musc 103 test some more (it's still next tuesday)
4. Start my english essay and get... at least a page done (it's an 800 word essay... still due next Tuesday)
5. Start my sociology essay and get... also at least a page done (it's 1200 word essay... still due next tuesday)
6. Go to library to find a book for my sociology paper (I actually need to cite a book on top of my journals)
7. Look for prof articles (ha, I didn't get this done today... fat chance I'll do it tomorrow)

Hmm, maybe itemizing things on blogger helps me keep myself organized. I would use an actual agenda but that's just another book to read and at this point, I find it easier to just post on blogger since my computer is usually on anyways.

So...

So... things to do tomorrow:

1. Go to class
2. Do history readings
3. Do english readings
4. Work towards finishing music 191 assignment (due friday)
5. Study for music 103 test (next tuesday... nowhere near ready for it)
6. Write english thesis and begin the essay (also due next tuesday)
7. Write sociology thesis and begin the essay (wouldn't you know it, this is due next tuesday too!)
8. Look for prof articles (probably not going to end up doing this)

And this is without procrastination! I've turned into some sort of hermit in my room. I even had to skip last Sunday's badminton!!!1